48 Days

Today has been nothing shy of the exact opposite of what I had planned for.

God’s a little funny like that. Except, I don’t feel like it was all too funny.

I had such a firm plan to get up early this morning, get myself around, and go to church. Whether before or after, Starbucks was going to get a visit so I could snag either a Pink Drink or a Vanilla Bean.

Instead, we hardly slept between Alvi and Yankee and the crying and barking.

When we got up this morning, I went to let Yankee out to potty and discovered she had pulled two of the four pins out of her leg.

It’s fine.

Luckily, we have a wonderful vet who makes trips in on Sundays when it’s needed. He decided we should leave it as is due to there already being a significant amount of healing and calcification where the bone is broken. We put a bigger cone on her head and called it good. I’m fine.

The only problem is, later on when we took her out to potty and then brought her back in the house, she must have been trying to fidget with it again and it quite literally just fell off of her leg. Minus one pin that’s still sticking out.

Everything is fine.

Another call to the vet, but he said we should try to pull the pin out and then plan on bringing her in first thing in the morning and leaving her for another stay at the office. I’d swear it’s been a full moon all week if I didn’t know better. Alvi has been extra her lately, and I think you could count on one hand the number of hours I’ve slept all week.

My mind and body are exhausted. Everything feels never ending. I spent the day fighting with why I don’t get to reap the seeds I’m sewing. Why do I get to watch others put in next to no work, and reap bountiful harvests.

Of course, there’s an answer for everything and more often than not, especially when breaking generational problems, you don’t see your harvest being reaped until it’s by your children, or even your children’s children.

I see plenty of people who only water their seeds every couple months, and sometimes maybe even once a year, and they‘re appearance make it look like they’re reaping a full and bountiful harvest.

If seeing those that don’t put any work into what they’re being given doesn’t make healing and trying to improve myself and my life any less easy, I don’t know what does.

Today was the icing on the cake at the end of the week. I caved. I cracked. I threw away 48 days of not smoking.

Tomorrow I’ll go back to being a quitter. I wish I hadn’t thrown my progress away, but I did and I can’t take it back. The beauty of healing though, is that even when you stumble and fall, or get knocked down, you have the ability to give yourself grace and understanding instead of beating yourself up and making yourself feel worse about things than you already do.

It’s been a very long week, and I’m looking forward to a fresh start tomorrow. Eventually things will get better. It’s just a journey I have to keep choosing.

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