Before I start in on the whole mess of my mood today, I need to take a second to remind you readers how humbling you are for me.
Last night as we settled in for bed, B asked me what was up with my blog, he never got a ding on his phone so why didn’t I do one?
I‘ve learned to only blog on the days I have something tugging at my heart. Something that I feel needs to be said, shared, put out there. When I try to write without that tug, it ends up feeling forced and uncomfortable and I second guess everything I try to write. That’s not what this is about, I want to stick to putting what really really pulls at my heart strings, in one form or another. It’s not always big things, but some is still valid in today’s world and the way we go about life.
A sweet friend that has a soul of gold told me she wished I would write a book, that she thoroughly enjoys reading what I write. If that’s not humbling I don’t know what is. I’ve always loved to read, tell stories, and write but I’ve never toyed with the idea of writing a book. I’m not some big fancy person that has all the perfect words, so it seems so far out of reach. I will say it’s slightly more than a thought now, but it would still take a lot of time and effort to put something like that together. Not impossible, but most likely not the near future either.
Every view I get, every new subscriber, makes my heart flutter with joy. It makes me feel whole, like I have a purpose outside of just being a stay at home mom. Not that that isn’t a full time job, but it helps me feel seen. Thoughts of doubt join in, wondering how many people might read and laugh or make fun of what I do, but that’s the anxiety I fight everyday to overcome and I won’t let it win. We’ve all got doubts, fears, dreams that feel so unrealistic, but the only thing that can ever really stop us, is our own selves. If someone doesn’t support you, that’s okay. Not everyone will. Give it a shot anyway, you might just go right on over the moon to something far greater than you imagined.
I woke up this morning in a whole mood. A whole damn mood. I don’t know what my deal is lately, but things have been just a little rough. I’m working so hard to get back to where I want to be, it’s just taking time, and a whole lot of work.
I don’t feel like my prickly skin is on or anything, my mood is just poo. The filter on my mouth I’ve worked so hard to create has been falling off a decent
B and I are getting to have an adult evening while we celebrate one of my sweet, dear friends on her wedding day. I’ve been stressing all week over what to wear, because let’s face it, I just don’t have many fancy things to wear.
Thank the good Lord above B read her invite to double check times and it’s only the reception we’re going to, because my nerves have taken a huge chill pill. I’m not even sad I’m not wearing a new dress I went and bought so I had something I felt decent wearing. Jeans and comfy, cute top it is! Honest to God, I mean that.
Thinner girls can still struggle to love who they are, and sometimes people tend to forget that. Just because I don’t have weight I want to lose, doesn’t mean my self image is impeccable. I have adult acne, a skin condition called vitiligo that is especially noticeable in summertime, I feel extremely long and gangly and awkward, the list is pretty long. I’ve never been comfortable in my own skin.
I still struggle everyday to love who I am. I’m working my tail off to change that because I have three daughters that I want to be able to look in the mirror and love every bit of who they are every single day. Inside and out, they deserve to know they are beautiful, loved, worthy, kind, wild hearted souls that will change the world.
My girls will know their worth to the absolute best of my ability. They will know that Jesus is for them and no man can stand against them. Just the same as Jax will know that he is handsome, loved, worthy, and a good, good soul. He’s my sweetheart, my best boy, and I want him to remain soft and not let the world make him hard or tell him boys don’t cry. They do, and there is something so much more appealing about a man who can admit and own up to his feelings than a stone cold person who walks as if nothing could ever affect them.
We won’t be attempting church tomorrow. I’ll live stream it, but we‘re going to take a week off to attempt to regroup and find a battle plan that allows us to still make it to church with Miss Alvi in tow. Sometimes we all just need a break, and I could really use just a day with my kiddos and no prior engagement. A day off in a sense.
Prioritize yourself, your family. Give them a day to recharge, regroup, refresh, and rest. Rest is good for everyone, including parents.