In the midst of the uncertainty, untimely changes, unforeseen changes, I’ve found Tanner to be ever present and surrounding me with nothing but signs that he’s around, he’s watching over us, and that everything is going to be okay.
Of course, I know God is doing the same, but I also believe He uses His angels to give us extra reassurance that everything is working out for the good, and nothing is unexpected in God‘s story He wrote before we were born.
If you’re newer to the blog, you may not know who Tanner is, and to best explain his story, you can read “Answered Prayers” to get to know him and how special he was and still is to me.
He’s sent me a monarch butterfly when I picked picked which flower I wanted to plant for him, he’s played songs that he knows point to him for me, he sent me a monarch on the side of the road, and last but not least because there have been many more, I saw a car today that reminded me of him.
After a freeing session with my therapist, it gave me full permission to ugly cry in the car whether anyone saw me or not. I wanted so badly for it to be him. To be able to ring his phone and tell him to pull over so he could give me one of his infamous hugs and tell me everything is going to work out, regardless of whether I can see far enough ahead to know it for sure or not. This happens every so often; wanting to call him, hear his voice, see him and it crushes my soul. It reminds me how short life is and to take each and every blessing, no matter how unforeseen or difficult it may be, and be eternally grateful for this life I’ve been given.
He and I always felt like the black sheep of life, and if there’s one thing I could do it would be to go back and make sure he knew he wasn’t alone in feeling the way he did. To tell him I understood his life choices and accepted the way he wanted to live his short life.
Our angels are all around us, never too far away to remind us that things will get better. Hard times do not last forever, and things could be very much worse than they are.
Word is that my brother has been/is currently living in his truck with potential to move in with a guy that I’m not sure isn’t just some random willing to take him in. Can you imagine, even if you’ve never been through fighting for someone through an addiction, how heartbreaking that is? I can only imagine how our mom feels and I try. As a mother to my own I feel like I can get a fairly good grasp because I can imagine what it would be like if that happened with my own babies.
This is where my therapist has come into play. She has taught me to be responsible for what I can be, and let go of what I can’t change. My brother doesn’t want help, to change, or to get better. Without those things, anything we try to do for him will be useless. You cannot save someone who does not want to be saved, no matter how hard of a reality that is to come to terms with. When the time is right, he’ll be ready to want better and want to find healing for the pain he feels.
I pray it happens before addiction takes him from us entirely. I wait for the call daily and it scares me more than anything. I don’t want to lose him, but we technically already have. He’s still here, but with the choices he makes, he’s not the brother, son, friend we used to know. He’s someone else entirely.
God has a plan already worked out and the story already has an ending. We can never know what it is until it happens, but we also can’t sit around and make ourselves sick with the ”what if’s” and the guilt of things that are not in our control. It isn’t easy. It takes work, time, and sometimes going through the five stages of grief depending on the depth of a situation.
My life would look so much different without my faith, and I can’t handle the thought of what it might be if I didn’t have it. I feel so deeply for the people who don’t have any at all, and I wish they could put their trust in something much bigger than themselves and find peace with the different paths and journeys we go through in this life.
I would never force my faith on another person, it’s just not something I believe in. Maybe my blog can bring them to a crossroad, a decision, a thought of sorts on where and how they want to go from here. To do research, talk to someone, dig deep into their soul and see if it might be something they’re interested in having for themself.
It’s too easy to look at the world we live in and believe there is no God. What kind of God could let things like this happen? But, if you believe in God, that means you also have to believe in Satan and that God does not send bad things to us. Maybe lessons and mountains to climb, but never downright awful things. Yes, He holds the power in stopping the awful ugliness, but He always uses it for something good.
Romans 8:28 says that “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”
A sweet and mighty girl I once knew used this verse to accept the journey she traveled in her short life, and I don’t have many things that can touch my heart more than that. If a girl so young, faced with a life full of sickness, pain, and things a child should never have to go through, can find strength and understanding in such a powerful, but maybe underrated Bible verse, then so can the rest of us.
We may not still be here when we discover why we journey on the paths we do, but even if it’s when we reach the pearly gates at the end, we will know. We will be made to understand and see the much bigger picture for the things we endure in this lifetime.
Don’t give up, don’t let the world make you hard and cold. Be the light, have a soft and kind heart, know that better days are coming. We don’t experience these things for nothing. There is a reason, no matter how big or how small, there is always always a reason.