Updated: Oct 7
I want not much more than to hide in my closet and cry.
It comes and goes in waves, and it escalates when Alvi starts in on one of her fits and refuses to give me a few seconds to myself. Yes, she’s not feeling well, but there’s still such a thing as being touched out, overwhelmed, and downright spread thin.
She doesn’t let her dad tend to her, and we’re running out of things to do. She doesn’t want to go outside, because she doesn’t get to go anywhere. We are beyond bored and can’t find anything to keep her occupied.
We took a nice, warm bubble bath earlier just to buy some time and she finally went down for a nap, in my lap that she hasn’t left for days.
I am not a person who can sit and do nothing for long periods of time. It drives me to insanity. I’ve cleaned so much in the moments I do find a second to myself that I hardly recognize my own home. The last time it was this clean was potentially before we had kids.
Today was supposed to be better, but it’s not going so well either. Alvi is being relentlessly vicious and rude to any and all of us. This morning she drilled me in the nose with her full sippy cup, and she’s currently refusing to let Jax play with any toys. She also just attempted to dump my coffee.
I‘m working so hard to focus on the positives there have been this week, as few as they seem.
Having Brett home has been so nice in its own ways. I hardly ever make dinner because our kids are insanely picky and because Brett hasn’t eaten leftovers in roughly three years. He compared it to something, but I’d be lying if I said I could remember what it was.
The house is slightly cleaner than normal because I’m making good use of my sneaky free moments. I’ve even got most all of my spooky and regular fall decorations out.
I’ve seen more of my children than I usually do. Good or rough moments, it’s still time I couldn’t get back if I let it pass me by.
Right now, Jax still wants me to walk him from the car all the way to the bus, and my heart dreads the day he runs off by himself. I try so hard to be present and pay attention to the things that will someday stop, and not take for granted before it’s too late. Some days I do better than others, but I want to be present as much as I possibly can.
I have many things to be grateful for, and what am I doing for myself and those blessings if I don’t stop and take note of them? If I don’t stop and thank God for the things He’s given us.
Count your blessings, and then count them again. Make a list, check it twice. Don’t leave anything unchecked.