Complete Chaos

I didn’t want to be a grown up today, but kids.

The kids came home before bed last night, and I can finally make it from one room to the next without fearing I’ll pass out. I did get Covid tested just to be safe, and it was negative, thankfully.

Alvi was away from her mama for far too long. You know how they say kids are the most explosive with their behavior with moms, due to the full comfort level they feel? Alvi has unleashed all sorts of hell since she’s been home, and she herself has me exhausted. She stayed up all night having a fit, and multiple more today. She is pushing my patience to the fullest, and I feel terrible because I can hardly contain my frustration and temper.

I can’t even begin to tell you all the things that have happened today, but I’ll share my favorite. You may know the coping and learning tool my therapist gave me to help release the anxiety in stressful situations when I need to remember they’re children, and this is normal for them. So, I pictured my memory while the kids were running in circles in the living room screaming like banshees at the top of their lungs. With my eyes closed and taking my deep breathes, I shit you not, they moved directly into my face to continue. I couldn’t help but laugh, and I can’t wait for my next appointment to tell her all about that very moment. If you‘re wondering how I’m doing at this point - it needs to be bedtime.

I feel like less than even a bad mom right now, because I just have nothing left, even after them only being home for 24 hours since being at grandmas since Saturday evening. I’m at a loss, and I’m really trying. Earlier, I was walking from one room to another and overheard a part on a Bluey episode that struck deep in my soul. I have no idea what the situation was, but one of the little pups asked the mama dog if she had failed at mum school, and the mama told her yes, but that we all fail at mum school sometimes.

Whoa. Is your mind blown? Because mine was. A children’s show normalizing that mom’s aren’t perfect. Hallelujah. Amen. Thank you, Jesus. Because I know for damn sure, I hardly make it through the day most of the time. I thank God each and every day for giving me strength to aim for better tomorrow, and the opportunity to try again. I may not be a perfect mama, but none of us are, and we aren’t supposed to be. That’s the beauty of motherhood. We learn and grow right alongside our children. That’s why there is no perfect handbook, and no two children the same.

If you feel like you failed today, that’s okay. We all do. You can ask your babies to forgive your short tempered, no patience left, but still all loving moments, and you can all get up and try again tomorrow.

By the grace of God, I am what I am. 1 Corinthians 15:10

We’ve all been called to this journey, whether we thought we were ready or not, and everyday God gives us strength to guide and love these reckless, intense, temper tantrum throwing, and love without end, children He‘s sent just for us.

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