If Only

Life gets tough a lot, and I don’t know about you, but I get lost in the “if only’s”

If only,

We had just a little more money to get back on track..

The kids would listen for just five minutes..

So & so would just be a little kinder..

Our schedule wasn’t so chaotic..

My anxiety wasn’t overwhelming..

My depression wasn’t creeping it’s way in..

It always feels like if we could accomplish these and the other things that are weighing us down, but by the time these things subside, we’re already onto the next set of obstacles. Life doesn’t get easier, we just find better ways to cope and be grateful for what we’ve been given. Your anxiety and depression, your icky feelings can’t ever get better if you’re waiting for all the chaos of life to get better to make that happen.

Trust me, I’ve been there. I am there. I don’t have the answers, but I do have God. So, I wake up everyday and remind myself to be grateful for what we have, thankful for the things we don’t have, and overwhelmed by the constant love of God we see in our home, whether He answers our prayers in our way or His, I am thankful, grateful, and blessed.

Today was one of those days. I got to my therapists office a bit over an hour from home and when I went to use my clicker to lock my car, it didn’t work. I went to manually lock it on the inside. Nope, that didn’t work either. What. The. Heck. So, I tried to start my car, and wouldn’t you guess my battery was entirely dead? Of course. Even though it’s not even six months old yet. My key got locked in the ignition, and I had to go do therapy without focusing on what I was going to have to do when it was over.

Turns out, my anger isn’t just caused by my anxiety. It’s a coping mechanism that my body uses when something hurtful happens so that I don’t have to feel the instant pain of whatever has happened. That probably should have been super easy to see, but it wasn’t for me.

We did some really fancy work today with EMDR after I filled her in on my week. I chose to proceed with the wound I chose last week, instead of switching to a new event. This therapy focuses on our eye movement and the left and right sides of our brain, making both work.

Instead of using the lights for my eyes to focus on, I chose the little buzzers to go in my hand so I could have my eyes closed. Holy buckets. I feel like she used a magic trick on me, because it was insanely intense. I was in tears the first round, and it got better each and every time after that.

My left and right side of my brain have stayed active in a way that they aren't normally while we’re awake, and it will slowly fade back to normal. It’s a strange feeling, but handling stressors today such as my car, the kids, bills, and so on, I’ve been able to keep a fairly level head and not go straight to anger like normal. I did yell once, but that was more on the verge of a battle cry while trying to startle Alvi. I was on the phone trying to figure out how to get to the vet with a dead vehicle, and Yankee found half of a dead mouse on the ground and was trying to eat it. I didn’t battle cry at her, but I did Alvi when she attempted to bend over and pick it up. No fear, guys. This kid has no fear. Please send more wine.

Yankee had a puppy check up today, and the kids and I have finished dinner (they think I’m cool for making a heart shaped pizza, but really, I just got tired of my dough not spreading properly) and we’re ready to head out back to feed the chickens some fruit before we turn in for the night.

It’s been a long day, and I’m a little more sad than usual. I think it stems from trying to find resolution in a situation, and being shut down, but who knows. Tomorrow will be a better day, and I’m ready for my chance to try again.

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