Brett and I were discussing different things this morning as we work to come to terms with parts of God’s plans. I told B I could see Him up there now, just smiling and maybe even having a little chuckle. B made a reference to Job and how Satan, while still an angel, was trying to tell God that if He took everything but Job’s life he would surely sin, and maybe there was an angel up there talking Him into doing these things to see how we react.
Look, we’re creating the next Satan, and the new, up and coming Satan is using us to become him/herself, ‘cause you can‘t leave out those woman angels. Obviously, I’m joking. It sure gave us a good laugh in the middle of some serious business though.
I’m a person who needs to be able to laugh in what seems to be the middle of the end. It’s a coping mechanism, but it really does help change the mood for better.
Today, in the car, I opened the sun roof and I firmly believe God gave me the song I needed at just the right time. I was alone, no kids, no distractions. I let it play and I felt all my feelings. I spoke words of affirmation aloud to myself and I even talked to God. That’s huge for me, but my heart needed it so desperately. If you need a good song to put your hands in the air to, I highly recommend I Need A Hallelujah by Austin French.
If you’ve ever been to church and seen people put their hands up during worship songs, those are the people who freak me out. Not because I think it’s strange but because my anxiety says a big heck no to that, because I wish so badly I could be one of them. Having long, gangly arms and no self love for them is a huge deterrent to being able to put my hands up and not feel like everyone is judging how strange it must look. I aspire to be comfortable enough to accomplish this someday, but for now I will live vicariously through those I see do it.
Yesterday, in the midst of so many different things, He did it once more. He sent me a song to remind me that regardless of how hard things get, how impossible it feels, how rough it is to fight some days, we have to fight, to persevere.
Fighting. David Dunn.
“You can't take this anymore
Cause even breathing is a chore
Nothing you do matters anyway
And I've been here for 26 years
And I'm fighting, constantly fighting."
Oof. My whole entire heart. God never fails. Ever. I've talked a lot lately about feeling like all I've ever done is fight and no matter how hard I fight, it only gets worse. It doesn't seem to get any easier, any less crappy. I needed both of these songs in the exact moments God sent them to me.
My Godwinks tend to be overwhelming to my heart, just the same as when I received one from none other than Tanner himself. I was scrolling Facebook for whatever reason, and there it was. A picture with the words "just breathe" with the perfect bible verse attached to it; "Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
If you head back to the blog "Answered Prayers" you can learn more about Tanner and his sweet and fabulous soul, my dear baby cousin who was only nine months and eight days younger than me, but had such an intense look at the way life was meant to be lived, like everyday could be your last. Because for him, he never knew when it would be. He wasn't going to leave any stone unturned. Sometimes I lose sight of the things I learned the day we lost him. I strive so much to get back to remembering each and every day is to be cherished, regardless of how tough it is.
Until earlier this evening, I had gotten so busy and wrapped up in the downward spiral that's been occurring for months, along with my large focus on healing, I forgot I picked a word for this year. My sweet friend likes to send me graphics of things that make her think of me. They vary greatly and along with reminding me how loved I am, she uses them to reminds me of just how strong she thinks I am. Regardless, one of the graphics she sent talked of perseverance. My word for the year. She had no idea, and I hadn't breathed anything of it in months, but now I see it.
I can see what this year is bringing, and everything that has happened is all for my journey of persevering and continuing on regardless of how tough it is. I picked a word and God followed through with teaching me just exactly what it's all about. Strength, courage, faith, willpower, love. Just a few of the many, many different feelings it takes to keep going, to keep fight, to keep persevering.
At the end of this, I pray there's a good message. I pray these are the right words, the right part of my journey to share with you today. The days I don't write are generally too full and overwhelming, but it also has to resonate in my soul properly before I can put something out there for everyone to read. Hence the many, many drafts I have saved. Blogs I've started and not yet finished, ones I'm not sure how to finish. Ones I know God isn't ready for me to share yet. He gave me a beginning but not quite a middle or an end.
With the books I've been reading lately, I notice a pattern. I read a little bit, a couple chapters, but it takes months to finish. Yet, each and every time I pick up whichever book, the page I start on speaks directly to what our life looks like in that moment. I know it's just God giving me what I need at just the right time, and I like to think that that's how He works with my blog; that when something gets published that may have sat for long enough to start collecting dust, it's because the right person, the one it was meant for all along, was going to stumble across it and find the words their soul so desperately needed.
Tonight, tomorrow, next week, whenever you, yes you, find this; I pray it gives you hope. I pray it gives you strength, courage, that you feel loved, and that you will continue to persevere. I promise, someday this will all makes sense. This will all have a silver lining, the grass you've been watering will be greener, and you won't have to feel like you're spending your days just fighting to take another breath.