Since I’ve been feeling down, we’re currently working on putting a little bit of lipstick on the pig, and painting a couple rooms in our house to give it a bit of a face lift. Once that’s done we’ll also find time to finish mudding and dry walling our second front room that we started a year and a half ago.
There are things going on that I’m just not quite ready to share yet, and I don’t know how or when the time will come, but I’m letting God take the lead. It’s just trying to decide if I may or may not find some sliver of peace by opening up about things we’re facing.
I’m doing my best to keep up with the blog and still get the extra work we‘re doing accomplished, but it’s proving more trying than I thought.
Alvi and Yankee both seem to be going through some sort of regression lately, with Alvi crying all night again and Yankee doing a lot of naughty things she’s not done since either we brought her home or at all. We’re working to find a cause but have yet to do so.
As hard as it is to admit, I’m sad my baby is starting kindergarten but I’m also looking forward to seeing if our days are a little easier with just two littles at home. It’s also a good opportunity for Alvi and Jax to let the bond they’ve been working on grow a little stronger.
Brett took the kids to the park to ride bikes and throw horse shoes this morning and instead of cleaning I used it as an opportunity to sit on my hind end. Okay, maybe I picked up just a little bit, but for the most part I tried to let my battery recharge just a little.
Someday, somehow, I will miss the sleepless nights and exhaustion filled days, but not today, not now.
I focus on filling other people and I neglect myself. Someday I’ll see the benefits of being kind come back to me, but right now things are tough. It’s easy to praise God when you’re someone who sits on millions and has endless resources, like a lot of the big “preachers” we see, but what about those who want to do good and still have some really tough moments?
I’m not someone who can pour her energy into other people, especially those who don’t have any appreciation for it, and feel “full” at the end of the day. I feel empty, exhausted, and used. It’s just time to stop. Stop filling those that don’t have gratitude and joy for the simple things. I know, God says those are the ones who need it the most, but at some point I have to make myself and my emotional tank matter, too.
I’m still going to praise God. I know good things will come. But, I might also get a little sour or even angry at times. We‘re taught the more good we do, the more good we see in our life. I don’t do good things just to reap the benefits, it’s because it makes me happy. Would it be nice to reap some of those “rewards”? You betcha.
The world is tough and cruel, but if you can just hold onto hope a little bit longer, something good will come. I don’t know how long, exactly. Some people wait their entire lifetime, and I just don’t have the timeline or the answer, but that’s what hope and faith are for.
Hope and faith are for the days like the one I’m having today. They’re for the last couple of months, as we navigate so many different twists and turns. Yes, you can still have hope and faith and have a moment where you feel angry with God. He gets it. He knows. He knew you would get angry. It’s the act of going to Him with it that changes your feelings from angry to sadness and letting yourself feel your feelings.
I’ve never had much to give, but I’ve always given more than I have. I don’t tell people the things I do for others, most of what I do for people they don’t even know who I am or that it was me. I prefer it that way. I don’t need recognition, I just need someone else to feel good, to feel better than they did five minutes ago. If I can accomplish that, then I know I’ve spared someone else even just a moment of the struggles life can create for us.
Do good for others. Do it quietly. But, also, remember that you are someone, too. You’re not meant to drain yourself and never get to feel joy or be slightly less exhausted than normal. You deserve the good things, too. Stop ignoring yourself. Validate you and what you need as a person, a human, a parent, a friend, whoever you are.
Just give yourself a break.