Mama’s Broken Heart

Do you know what I would not give to have a morning where I wake up and sit on the fluffy rug, in comfy clothes, and play toys with my little humans? So much time has passed in the previous now 8 months. My tiny’s are still young enough that they make exponential growth in shorter periods of time, and how much my mama heart has missed. I am forever grateful for the memories I have from the last several months, but my heart still aches for the ones missed. The ones I can’t get back, the ones that cannot be relived, or undone.

That thought is entirely heartbreaking. I missed Alvi Lou transition from crawling to walking. Hell, I missed her first steps. And now? Now, she runs.

Luci and Jax have crossed the best friend bridge, and they no longer go anywhere separate from the other. They are the ultimate team. Which generally leaves baby sister in the dust, but it’s unbelievaly heart-warming to see the bond between these two, and I’ve never been more sure of the 15 months timing between them. Poor Jax, has no idea sweet Luci will be leaving him in just a few short months to start the journey of school, and the bond they have now is going to make that even harder on his sweet little heart.

Averi is double digits now, and extremely thoughtful and inquisitive for her age. She’s learning new things, her entire demeanor has changed, and I’ve honestly no idea where the little girl I first met has gone. But, she is blossoming into an even sweeter, kinder, smarter soul than before.

God has a plan, and I know this. So, I’m working to accept what is gone, and look to the future, the now. Looking to the memories that are fresh and ready to blossom - that is what will help to mend my heart. It is not too late to keep being present for what I can, and have open arms to the big milestones heading our way.

It becomes easy to revel in our shortcomings and the places we feel as if we’ve failed, but if too much time is spent there, you will only continue losing more. You have to stand back up, brush off the dust, and remember that this life is fleeting. It will pass you by in the blink of an eye. And as a mama who just realized she truly is twenty six years old, (but, how?) I’m realizing these things before it’s too late. I am accepting what is gone, and ready for what is here, now, with our ever changing family.

Be mindful, present, imaginative, kind, thoughtful, and ready to conquer what is just around the bend. Your story isn’t over, and neither is mine. They are only just beginning, and this is merely just a chapter. Your people need you, and it is up to you to recognize your own presence and whether or not it needs adjusting to fit certain situations

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