Being open and truly honest with your therapist means she can identify when it’s time to conquer a couple of very large, very intimidating and fear inducing mountains, because it’s time to heal. Things need to change, and there’s only one way to do that.
I am mortified.
These are not demons I dance with. These are the ones that I bolt the door, pile the chairs, dressers, and all things sturdy in front of. The ones that knock the breath right out of my chest. I cower in the closet under a blanket with my ears plugged and I beg them to leave.
I stay where it’s safe, where life can’t trigger them to come knocking. Only, nowhere has been safe lately. They’re everywhere in everything I do. Watching, waiting, ready to pounce at any moment my anxiety boils over and I can’t keep my breathing or heart rate steady, when words start to flow and my vision turns red because I can’t handle the idea that they’re still here, still lurking in the shadows. Waiting.
I deserve the closure this will bring, but my children deserve it much more than I do. I look at them and crumble knowing the damage that’s been done to me, the damage they don’t deserve to see, feel, or even have to be aware that it is ever existed. Maybe someday they can know, but not now. Not this little and unaware of just how real monsters can be.
The ghost of that voice haunts my home. It haunts my actions, my heart, my relationships, my parenting. No matter how hard I try to ignore them and put them in the back of my mind, they are always present. Some days more than others, but they never leave.
Admitting these truths isn’t weakness and it isn’t searching for pity, either. I still work everyday to think of myself as worthy of the life I have, but ever so slowly I’m starting to see an amount of bravery in myself I didn’t know existed. I know how to survive, but that’s different than actually facing the scary demons head on. Being brave doesn’t mean you can’t still be afraid while you do what you have to do.
The only way to heal is to face your past, or even present, head on, without hesitation, and whatever it takes to get it done. In a healthy, controlled manner of course.
Tomorrow, the conquering begins. I don’t see it being a ”one and done” or simple walk through the park. I know it will be draining, emotionally at least, painful, scary, and it honestly makes me all around sick to think about getting up and going in the morning. Every bit of my soul and body wants nothing more than to cancel and try again next week.
My kids, my family, and myself, deserve peace. So, no matter how big, frightening, and sickly it makes me feel to go, I’m going to get up and do it anyway, because that’s what strength is for me. It’s getting up everyday, no matter how hard, and aiming for better than the day before. Even if I shoot for the moon and miss, I’ll still land among the stars. In that, I find my comfort.
It is never too late to put your demons to bed. Never. As long as you’re living, you have the opportunity to take control back and live without fear and worry that you’ll never escape or be able to do better for yourself.
The voice in your head, the one that says you can’t do it, that you’ll only fail? That isn’t your voice. Those are the monsters that took over, that took your voice and made it their own. Listen closely next time, so you can hear, and then tell them it’s time to leave. They don’t belong there anymore.
Start defining who you want to be, not who your monsters tell you you have to be.