This is real. This is raw. This is my attempt at transparency in the fullest. So, let’s get really real. I talk about transparency a lot, and this is a grand opportunity for it.
I am angry. I am frustrated. I feel like at any moment I could spontaneously combust. Why? It’s hard to pinpoint the exact reason, but I do have a few. It’s one thing after another, and I never have the opportunity to fill my own cup, or even attempt it.
I am tired. So neverendingly tired, and I am so tired of being tired. I crave sleep like an addict craves their next fix. I’ve tried to no avail to convince myself I can go without, but who am I kidding? Not myself, that’s for sure.
Alvi screams and throws tantrums for hours. It seems to never end. Lately, I find myself so frustrated I’m yelling and I don’t want to hold her anymore. She screams in my ear but doesn’t allow me to touch her. As a mother, all I want is to comfort my babe and she refuses.
Luci and Jax did so well for so long at sleeping in their own room. No fuss, no fight, sleeping all night long. It was glorious and relieved so much extra stress. Then, we had a few abnormal days and our routine was thrown off. We tried to no avail to get back to better, but it was one thing after another, followed by multiple days of sickness leading us all to camp out on the couch.
Then, we have the things that really shouldn’t matter. People laying blame on me for their choices, pushing me to do things I don’t want to do, and planting their burdens and weight of life on me. I grew up a long, long time ago, and carrying burdens for others so they don’t have to is something I’ve done for far too long.
I have my people, and of course, they have their own battles to fight. So, I do my best to contain my emotions and pretend all is well. My goal is to take away their burdens, or lighten them in any way I possibly can. Simply because I know what it feels like to constantly have things piling up against you and feel like I’m gasping for air. The last thing I ever want is my loves to feel the way I do, and so I fix what I can. I scoop their weight to my plate and pray they can rest, recover, and feel overwhelming peace.
I’ve prayed for peace and calm for longer than I can remember. It’s pitiful really, because at this point I am begging. Just two solid hours of sleep, one less person telling me I’ve wronged them, one less crying child, a day of leniency in my obsession of cleaning.
So. Many. Things.
Days like today, weeks like this one, I want to throw in the towel. Call it quits. Say to hell with it all. But, I don’t. Not because I am stronger than that, but because my God is stronger than that. Even though I’m struggling and this hurts more than I feel I can bare, I will keep going. It will get better. The answer will come. Tomorrow will be better than today, because it has to. My God won’t let me suffer without reason. Lessons are being learned, stories are being written, changes are happening, better things are coming.
If you’re someone who feels like I do, I’m praying for you. For strength, peace, gratitude, grace, love, faith, and above all else, that you will remember just how important you are, and what a damn good job you’re doing at falling apart.