Second trimester Tuesday. (Yes, I’m aware it’s Thursday.)
This is now pregnancy number two that has me out of breath before we even hit twenty weeks. Which means many many deep breaths that sound like heavy, disappointed sighs and I’m sure it drives other people nuts, because it drives me nuts.
I think after roughly seven weeks, it’s time to attempt sleeping in my own bed again. These next couple weeks are when the gagging, nausea, headaches, etc. are supposed to start subsiding and I’m hanging onto every ounce of hope I have that we’re nearing that point.
I had hoped hearing the heartbeat would help grow a connection, a bond, relieve some pressure, but of course, it wasn’t what I had hoped.
It was an amazing thing to hear, I just didn’t gain what I had hoped. The day will come, and I shouldn’t rush myself, but outside forces pressure me into feeling like it should’ve happened long before now.
It’s a journey to only listen to yourself when it comes to knowing what would make you feel the best. We feel like if we don’t do, feel, and respond to others the way they see fit, we’re failing. In reality, we are failing. But we’re failing ourselves, not other people.
I’m not a complainer, though it feels like being honest with everyone makes it come across that way. I would much rather handle my circus and insanity on my own, without others knowing how deep and dark my pit can be some days.
This blog isn’t to make life look like sunshine and rainbows though. It’s to bring light to the real life, the raw, and definitely the uglier side to life, because it does exist. It is real. It is scary. It is hard.
We close off, we shut doors, and we build walls. It keeps people from judging us with a full frontal view of what our lives look like from the inside out.
I’d love nothing more than to be able to snap my fingers and feel better, to be up and out of the pits. But for whatever reason, that isn’t part of God’s plan right now. His plan includes me feeling these feelings, sharing this journey, and doing what He puts on my heart to navigate this journey.
Nothing in life ever comes easy and most always has a price. We have to decide what all different things are worth to us.
What are my peace, safety, and faith worth to me? To you?
What are our dreams, desires, extra chapters in our lives worth?
Can/will we put an amount on them? Is it possible? It is if they are things that you deem worth it.
Dig down deep. Decide what you need, want, what your heart desires. What did God set on your heart? Where do you go from here?
Take that first step. No matter how big or how small, you’ll never start if you can’t take that first step.