The Broken Parts

It’s getting fairly hard to be downplayed all the time.

Maybe it’s my fault for letting people think that it’s just okay, and maybe I’m just making more excuses for people, because that’s what I do.

Having this blog has lead me to situations that take me discussing being kind and understanding to others to only have it thrown in my face when I’m not meeting their expectations or being who they think I’m supposed to be. It’s giving people the idea that I am superwoman and do it all and handle it all, that things are never a struggle around here.

This could not be further from the truth. I’m constantly struggling anymore, and I’m nearly always begging God to help change my perspective, to give me eyes that see what I‘m supposed to, and most often I’m pleading for a break. For something to give. To be the person has others show kindness to instead of expecting me to continue pouring into them when I’m drowning.

This blog was to bring light to the struggles of life, the chaos, and help give strength to keep going and to give and receive grace. It was to open doors for those who want to pursue bettering their mental health and ending the stigma that surrounds not only that, but so many things.

IG houses/moms are not as perfect as they look, therapists and psychiatrists are not taboo, kids are humans, too, and we all struggle. Even me. Especially me, even though I’ve seen a therapist for months now and have had a psych for 2-3 years, I still struggle.

Life with Alvi is a lot more difficult than most anyone understands. She’s the entire reason we were done having babies, and now here we are.

Do you know how hard it is to be in such a funk? Such a dark and ugly place and to spend each and everyday trying to claw your way to the surface? Trying to hold tight to the idea that the good stuff is coming, to just hang on a little longer?

I’m one of the parents that accepts I need help and that my struggling kiddo could also use some guidance, and we’re barely holding on while we wait. It feels like the help will never come, honestly.

Lately, we’ve not had many good days or moments at all. Nothing is going right, the kids’ attitudes don’t improve no matter how much sleep they acquire and how great things go for them in a day. They’re just unhappy and thoroughly miserable. I don’t know about you, but when the kids are in a funk, it makes things even more of a struggle. I spend my time going overboard trying to make them happy only to fail over and over again.

I know they’re struggling with Alvi just as much as I am, and I try to give them all grace. We talk a lot about how sometimes we just have to let things be because Alvi is a baby and she’s struggling to learn things. That sometimes letting her “win” is easier than the fight that’s on its way. It’s better than pushing her to bite or spit or hit, because mom just doesn’t know how to approach those things anymore. Absolutely nothing works, and it’s heartbreaking to watch all of my children struggle in one form or another.

Life isn’t fair or easy right now, and I can assure you immensely, I will not miss this someday. The part where they are little, etc., yes. I will miss that. The fits, the screaming, the constant battle to make it to bedtime everyday? Not in the least. And telling me I will does absolutely nothing to help me move in a better direction.

Stop downplaying others’ emotions and struggles. They may not seem as bad or big as yours, but their plate might be a lot different than yours. Grace is not a hard thing to give to others.

Just be gentle and kind.

To everyone.


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