The Trenches

I’m currently hiding in the bath tub. I forgot my chocolate, but it’s whatever.

Alvi is currently having a meltdown with her dad because mom needed 5 minutes to decompress after not sleeping or having more than 30 seconds to myself for 3-4 days straight now.

On Friday Brett was working on the truck and got irritated enough he kicked the tire full force, and also improperly, but also missed the tire and got the rim instead.

He now has 3 insanely messed up toes/half a foot, and he’s been home and in my hair right along with the kids.

Alvi came down with a fever on Saturday causing us to leave Averi’s second game before it could hardly get started. Two days later and we’re seeing it is 100% hand, foot, and mouth. So she feels entirely icky and believe it or not, all she wants is cuddles from mom. Only, we’ve not slept and I am thoroughly touched out.

Hence the hiding in the bath tub.

It’s been once mess after the next, and this hot mess of a mom is tired. So, so tired.

I’ve cleaned so many messes just to have it look exactly the same as when I started.

Alvi has started kicking me in the stomach hard, and relentlessly during the night, which is a big no no, obviously.

I don’t get to clean any clients houses this week. (I don’t want to potentially spread HFM.)

Coming home after cleaning for someone else makes me envious of the fact that I can’t even make my own house look that nice.

The kids are downright refusing to sleep in their own bed, so being in bed with Alvi they are also not sleeping. Cue attitudes.

Dexter decided there was a spot in the living room, on the wall, that needed marking so we‘re aware it’s his.

I’ve dumped an entire large candle of wax on the hardwood floor. Yep, me. Not the littles.

I’m attempting to remind myself that these moments won’t last forever, and we’re already running out of time for some of them.

I remind myself of the good things that happen between the sh•t.

The house is decorated and mostly put back together from painting.

I’ve snuck in washing our bedding so I’m more cozy tonight while we lay there without sleeping, and cleaned the baseboards in the living room.

Life isn’t fun or easy in this season, and one of the biggest ways I survive, besides disassociating, is telling myself that God has something bigger waiting on the other side of this.

This seems to be an awful long season, but all things must come to an end, so our rainbow has to be somewhere close.

Without trial and error, and difficult times, we cannot grow. It seems I have a lot of that to do, and for the most part I know where I need to work. I just hope I can start enforcing things sooner than later so the improvement can be felt.

My gratitude meter has been on the low side, my “must be nice” meter has been off the charts, my sadness is at an all time high, and most everything just feels entirely out of control.

It’s going to get better, I know that. But, I’m also honest with God and the people around me because someone else out there feels the same way.

I don’t feel brave, but when sharing things such as these makes me feel sickly and scared, I must be pushing something close to that. Not everyone can be honest and share how they really feel, or how hard life can be because it’s so taboo.

I don’t want you to sit and dwell on it, I want you to know it’s okay to have these moments, but you have to get back up and take your next step. Tomorrow might have hard moments, too, but there will be good amongst the chaos.

Tomorrow always has the chance to be a better day if you let it.

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