The Unspoken, Unreceived Apology

The hardest apology to accept? The one you will never receive.

I have forgiven my fair share of people who were never even sorry. We all have, and it is just a part of the world we live in. Forgiving someone who isn’t sorry in the least? This takes a lot of work. Hard, gut wrenching, anxiety ridden, soul searching, talk to God plenty, sweat it out, work.

Most people who cause us pain either don’t care or are too wrapped up in other things, such as themselves, to know they’ve done something wrong. Often enough, they don’t view the choices they made as wrong, but they still hurt us in some form or another.

This very much goes back to discussing the gunk we have in our hearts. Remember the gunk? This is just a small portion of what truly lies inside my heart.

I’ve had people in my life for only a season that have damaged my heart far beyond when they left. Heck, I still have people I’m currently working to forgive. Are they apologetic? Most definitely not. But, that’s not the point.

These people are able to wake up everyday and feel unscathed by situations and actions, but my wounds are still open. They are closing slowly, ever so very slowly, and it’s taking a lot more time than I thought it would. There are days the frustration with my feelings is very much a struggle. Why can’t I just let go and move on already? Because the pain is real, and it’s tough to let go and accept the reality of life and other peoples choices.

I’ve talked to God. I’ve talked His whole ear off, and begged Him to close these festering wounds, but, for whatever reason, it just isn’t time yet. I‘ve accepted this, and I swear my intentions to move on are real. It feels like every time I finally step towards forgiveness, salt of some sort gets poured on the wound and sets me back three more steps.

Eventually, I will get there. Moving on will happen, and a scar with a lesson will remain. I think sometimes, the hardest part, is deciding what the lesson really was. Until then, I will continue to pray and ask for the guidance I need to remove this gunk from my heart. It’s a difficult and long road, but there was a lesson underneath it and someday, I will understand. Just not today.

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