Thy Will Be Done

Thy will be done, as long as it agrees with what we want, right?

I know that’s what I spent a vast majority of the night praying a couple days ago. I know I can’t change God’s plans, but I sure can ask Him to please not let it be so.

In the end we have no say over the things God has in store for us. Our stories were written before we were even formed in the womb. Nothing happens that God hasn’t already accounted for.

Today was rough, one for the books. Without going into detail I can tell you I’ve never been so upset with myself as a mother than I was today.

They say when it rains it pours, and we’re in the midst of a never ending torrential downpour. I just need a glimpse of the sun, a sign that everything is going to work out.

After today and everything that happened, struggling is no longer an option. My best foot has to keep moving forward and my growth has to continue. I can’t let another day like today happen, my children deserve so much better than what they‘ve been given.

It turns out I needed them to see just how damaged I was, and now that I can it’s time to keep working on healing and letting my babies guide me down a better path.

Most days you‘d never know I don‘t have it all together just from looking at us. I try to appear at least halfway normal. But, that’s not the case. With a blog about mental health, parenting, chaos, and doing it with as much transparency as I possibly can will come judgement. It has taken so much time to get to a place where I no longer struggle so much with knowing that regardless of how hard I try not to judge those around me, it doesn’t make me exempt from others doing it to me.

One of my favorite stories is about a woman who constantly judged her neighbors ability to do laundry.

She was always looking out her kitchen window and telling her husband all about how dirty and awful this woman’s laundry looked. Many, many times she complained and told her husband that someone ought to teach her the proper way to do it.

After quite some time of this happening, she went to her window one morning and lo and behold, the woman’s laundry was CLEAN! Really, really clean!

She told her husband she wondered what happened that the woman finally started to clean her laundry properly, and he responded with “I cleaned your window.”

Oof. All those times she judged and knit picked and had all the things to say, she wasn’t even right.

The moral of the story? Make sure your window is clean before you go making assumptions about others. Make sure you don’t have any faults before digging to find them in others. Work on yourself and let others work themselves out. You are responsible for you, and unless someone is doing something that could harm themselves or those around them, it is absolutely none of your concern.

We all have differing opinions. We have our own ways of parenting, praying, living, loving, eating, dressing, and unless you ask for someone else’s input, whatever they have to say is entirely irrelevant to your story.

I’ve been so down the last couple weeks, and I know it shows in my blog. It’s been so trying to keep standing back up when I get knocked down, Alvi has me entirely exhausted, God had me feeling like He had left. I especially felt that way today. But a dear friend talked me through it and reminded me that regardless of how unwarranted something is that God may be doing, it’s part of our bigger plan that we can’t see, or it wouldn’t be happening.

I’m working extra hard to come to terms with things I cannot change. Accepting things for what they are, changing what I can, and letting go of all the things or people who cause pain and hurt. Focusing on the good things can only make them grow bigger and better.

Water your grass. Make it greener. Stop thinking the grass is greener on the other side. If it is, you’re looking in all the wrong places. Get back to center, get back to God, or wherever your faith lands.

The point of this blog is not to shove my God down anyone’s throat. I can tell you about Him, about my faith and the things I believe, but I will never force them upon you. This is how I survive the chaos, and upon sharing what I use, what I leave behind, and what my main focuses are it can help someone else out there dig a little deeper to find who they want to be, what they believe, and how they can grow. How to find joy, make themselves whole, look to the sky even when it’s raining. To never feel alone, unwanted, unloved, broken, unable to be fixed. You are never broken, only wounded, and wounds can heal. Those wounds will leave beautiful scars and you can use them to share your battle and triumphant win with others, not to boast, but to help them on their journey out of the dark.

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