Today, I lost my shit.
At my grandparent.
In front of everyone.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t entirely embarrassed, ashamed, and disappointed in myself.
This is why we don’t leave the house or have people over. It’s so much different when I can control the variables and know what to expect. Being at home where I’m comfortable it’s a lot easier to roll with the punches and not be afraid of what my kids might do or say in front of people.
Lately they’ve been struggling with being kind and having good attitudes. We’re all entitled to grumpy days, but when it’s everyday it’s too much for this mom to tackle alone.
Alvi is always the first up and as soon as the next two were up today, she was on her stuff.
Tormenting them, spitting, hitting, you name it.
I let Brett take them to church while I put myself back to bed for awhile.
If you’ve been here a hot minute, you might remember that the last time we went to church we had to leave before it even started because Alvi was losing her mind.
If Alvi weren’t enough, my teeth are killing me and my head is pounding.
I’m tired. So tired.
Mainly of being numb to the things I should be loving and enjoying while I can, but instead I feel nothing and can’t connect to anything around me and I feel lost and hopeless.
Of course there are better days than others, and we do have good days. Most of the time though, there’s some sort of chaotic, joy threatening thing going on.
I know that on the other side of this sits all of the things I’ve been praying for and this is just the journey in this season that we have to weather through.
My faith is still here, I’m still hanging on. My hope was wavered slightly, but I know that hoping for little and expecting the worst is a control thing and God wants us to hope for the best and expect better. He always provides, even when it’s not the way we thought it would look.
Tonight, I’m going to bed feeling just a little more at peace, much more calm, and ready to start fresh tomorrow.
This isn’t the end of the storm, but God continues sending me just the right things and people at just the right time, and I find a way to add just a little more rope to the one that’s fraying at the end. I tie another knot and keep going to see another day.
Don‘t give up. Your break is coming. You won’t be in this spot forever. You can trust God’s promise on that.
God is good all the time, and all the time God is good.