You Choose

Yesterday, I drove all the way to my appointment just to be told I didn’t have one. Even though my Monday‘s are always recurring. Maybe I’m finally officially losing my mind, I honestly can’t say.

After lunch we took the kids on a nature walk and it ended up being mosquitos that sent us home instead of the kids themselves. I swear I never remember to take the darned bug spray.

Shortly before bed my phone rang and the call opened a wound I’ve been working so hard to close. As much as I thought this situation was over, I think I knew deep down there was still more that would have to be done.

Yesterday just wasn’t much of one of my “mental health Monday’s.” It was a trying day and it left me spending the night awake, frustrated, angry, hurt, and thoroughly tired of all of the things that continue to pop up as I try to move away from the things that don’t bring wholeness to my life.

I responded well in the moment, as things happened. I remained calm, didn’t lose my mind, took a deep breath, and continued on.

But, then I mulled, stewed, scripted and fumed about all of these things until roughly 4 in the morning.

I know they’re tests, learning curves, situations to grow my faith, but they all stem from my previous struggle with feeling responsible for everything and everyone.

If I hadn’t spent 20 some years of my life trying to save and rescue people and fix things that were all entirely out of my control and not my responsibility, would I be facing some of these struggles today? Maybe, but I feel like the chances are a bit more slim.

I don’t want to cause myself any trouble and not knowing what I can and can’t discuss right now, I’m going to keep this personal until it’s all said and done with before deciding what I want and don’t want to be put out there for the world to know.

As much as I am to be real, raw, and honest, there are and will be things that I cannot or will not share full details on because of privacy. May it be to a friend or to my family, privacy should be respected. Some of what I share is to shed light on the struggles we have that others don’t tend to give a second thought, and reaching out to those who may be living those struggles trying to find their way to help. The parts I keep private are the parts that don’t need to be shared for others to understand or take to heart the message that’s being shared.

I have just over a week before I know how this plays out, and I’m already tired of being emotional about it. I go back and forth on choices I made and whether or not I did the right thing in certain ones. What’s done cannot be undone or forgotten. I can and will heal from it, but it’s a permanent memory in the trauma section of the library in my brain.

The only thing getting me through this very moment, and all of the moments these things were occurring, was that God has a plan. One way or another, what God wants is going to happen. He is in control and He works all things out for goodness. He does not leave us to suffer and live in pain and sadness. Our stories have already been written, there’s no stone on your path that He didn’t put there, and I promise that God finished your story. It doesn’t end abruptly because you just couldn’t do it anymore, and it is more than just struggle and heartache. Your life is a testimony.

Every single one of us has a story. One that will affect those around us more than we can even imagine, and one that can inspire people we’ve never met.

Choosing to walk the right path and not give in to the temptation of what looks like a better life is a heck of a lot of work some days. I know I have days that I can’t see past how easy it would be to live like this person or that person. The ones who don’t care for anyone but themselves, who only make sure their needs are met, and those who refuse to believe that anything they do or say could possibly be wrong.

Truly, I would never and could never live that way. The blood running through my veins won’t allow me to start and continue to act in such a way. Yes, the thought is fun to mull over and picture how much better life could be, but that’s satan trying to pull you from doing good, being good, and sharing the good. Sin looks easy, but I’m not willing to spend an eternity in hell for it, that much I know.

Every day is a new day, and I’m going to do what I can to make the best of them as they’re given to me. The things weighing heavy on my heart are going into my box. The place they don’t have the power to harm, distract, dilute, and destroy my feelings and mental health. At the end of the day, you choose. You’re in control of what you’re willing to suffer for. Don’t let it be the wrong things.

My family deserves better, and that’s what they're going to get.

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