Coffee & Donuts

It’s almost 8, we need to go to bed, and Alvi just sneezed in my face splattering pieces of donuts all over. We have to be up before 5 to have Averi out of town to ball tournaments and on the field by 7:15.

I’m surrounded by children, and I could really use a sane adult right about now.

I was blessed enough to have Kait down for most of the day, and she kept me level as the punches came. She brought donuts and I supplied the coffee, and I enjoyed her presence until she had to go. Only, even after she left the punches haven’t stopped. I’m so thankful she was here, so that I’m in a better place than I would be had I been on my own.

To have someone who doesn’t know my story, my why or how, someone who honestly only knows my name and what she’s been told by a not so credible source, attempting every avenue possible to get my attention and tell me what she thinks of me is getting ridiculous.

It’s not in my genes to find it fun or enthralling to have someone I love very much incarcerated, but that’s what some instances ended up requiring. It took a lot of soul searching, praying, and ultimately weighing the consequences of each individual thing to make my decision, and even still, my heart is broken that this is where we are.

God’s got this, and I know it. But, I still can’t seem to find rest. My frustration and anxiety are through the roof. After my shower I put on my freshly clean, new favorite pajama bottoms and stepped right into a puddle of puppy pee. I honest to God almost cried. Just because.

Everything feels so overwhelming and my heart hurts. This isn’t fun for any of my family, but being the one that’s in control of a big portion of what’s happening is making me thoroughly ill. I don’t want to deal with it, I don’t want it to be happening, and more than anything, I just want to fix it and I can’t. Not in anyway shape or form am I able to fix this, or have my brother understand I am doing this because I love him. Not out of spite, not because I want him to suffer, but only because I want to help him.

People have all sorts of crazy things on their plate, and most everyone is quiet about how overflowing their troubles are. So, if you do anything today, tomorrow, whenever the opportunity arises, be kind to each other. Plenty of people have the hate and cruel parts covered, and it’s our job to overrun it with kindness and grace for one another.

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