Center Yourself

There’s a rather large stigma around mental health, and though it’s not as big as it used to be, it’s still there.

I thought about keeping this private, but who does that do justice for if my goal is to help end the stigma?

Depending on where you are in our story, you’ll know I recently started antidepressant and anxiety med number 8. That’s right. Eight. It failed the fastest, and I was already topped out on the dose. There are currently 14 SSRI/SNRI options, and taking 8 out of the 14, my psych was at a loss for the ones left work similarly to what I’ve already tried.

We have ventured into the land of mood stabilizers. This may not seem like a huge deal, but to someone who just wants to feel and function better in her everyday life, I’m getting worried that my options are running out.

Yes, therapy sessions are helping. Yes, my trauma is constantly being worked on. But, this is some deep rooted stuff and I need to be able to continue functioning while we work at a good pace.

The chances of my anger becoming much less and far more manageable in the coming months is ridiculously high. I won’t/shouldn’t need permanent medicinal help, but it’s still a possibility.

The biggest thing, though, is that the one we decided on is the only one that doesn’t require having my thyroid, kidneys, or other things along those lines tested frequently to make sure their functions are still working properly. Sounds pretty good, yeah? Stick with me, because this is going to sound pretty weird. It did to me, anyway. I may not have to have a ton of blood work done frequently, but as I start this medicine on a super low dose and slowly increase over the next few weeks, I have to be on the lookout for a rash. 8 in every 10,000 people will get a rash that has the ability to be fatal. I’ve never heard of such a thing, but I have now.

I know my odds are slim, but I also have a bad track record with odds and reactions that shouldn’t happen to things because they’re so slim. I’m praying so hard that this is the right choice, and of course I have faith that God’s got this. But, as a mother to 3 small children, it’s still a scary thought. Maybe that means my faith isn’t as strong as it should be, and I’m working on that, but I’m sure if you tried to put yourself in my shoes, you may understand where I’m coming from.

I’ve been angry and watching my “shitball“ grow for days. My therapist got to see a little sliver of who I am when the anger becomes overwhelming. Want to know what happened? She gave me a safe space, centered me, and my troubles are now a snowball instead of the original phrase used to describe my chaos.

Today really opened my eyes, and I’m doing everything I can to be intentional about remaining in this state of being instead of falling back into anger. Who I am right now? That’s the person my family needs. This is the side of me that can connect with my loves instead of shutting them out. This is who I need to be. The real, genuine, capable of feeling hurt and vulnerable, me.

To put this effort to the test Alvi decided to have one of her super fun and fancy fits at ball practice tonight. Thank you, God, for the nonjudgmental mama’s on our team. It was a rough go, and as embarrassing and tough as it is for people to see her like that, I was able to remain calm. No panic. No frustration. Only understanding and love.

The kiddos are actually pretty thrilled their daddy is staying out tonight. That means slumber party in mama’s bed. Alvi will join us at some point during the night, but she’s currently sleeping peacefully in her crib after being put in there awake and without fussing. Stay tuned over the next couple days to await my magic superpower that lead to this happening. It’s literal, actual, real life magic.

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