The Weary Mama

Alvi spent all night crying and then started our day at 6 a.m. I swear I’m constantly exhausted, and I just pray that it gets better at some point or I find a better way to cope with always running on fumes.

Regardless of how tired I was, I pushed myself to remain calm today. When the baby had tantrums, when the kids asked me the same thing 598 times after I answered the first, when the dog chewed up toys or ventured upstairs to see what she could find, while I did the dishes and cleaned unnecessary messes. These little ones don’t deserve to see the anger that’s been building in me long before their time. They need a mama that is at peace in the chaos, a mama that can be their safe space and unfailing love.

It’s rained for close to a week straight. The kids, myself, and especially the dog are going stir crazy. Even with being sick, they love nothing more than to be outside, and they absolutely love dancing in the rain.

We took early naps today and then during a break in the showers, I took them outside. My intentions were to stay in the front yard and play on the sidewalk with bikes, scooters, etc. but that failed fast. The chicks & ducks were also itching to run the yard, so we went out back to let them out and I took a deep breath as the kids ventured into all the mud and mess.

It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, and it really helped calm them if only for a short time. It’s magic, what just a tiny bit of fresh air can do for the soul and body.

We took early showers. Like, 3:30 early. Alvi ate popcorn in the shower, because my calm wasn’t worth the fight that was going to happen if I tried to stop her. Jax almost peed in it, but my cat like mama reflexes stopped that so no one had to go without their shower snack.

It’s insanely hard to keep calm in the midst of constant chaos. It didn’t use to be this bad, but the last couple years as things that were rather hard kept happening, it just kept getting worse. Having therapy weekly and someone who knows what they’re talking about help to guide me along my journey of healing, is a tremendous help.

When the overwhelm comes, I make sure to be intentional about putting things in my box, about making myself stop and take a deep breath regardless of whatever just happened, and constantly reminding myself that God is on my side.

When things happen, I have to decide if it’s a lesson, or if it’s something entirely different that’s only aiming to hurt me and curse God. It’s not easy, and some days, some moments, it’s overly easy to feel like God hates me or has left me to fend for myself. But, even when I doubt, He continues to send reinforcements to help guide me the right way and lead me to a better place.

Tonight, as I crawled into bed between Luci, Jax, and they’re 36 stuffed animals they brought to bed with them; my heart was full. They know how absolutely loved, adored, kind, wonderful, and worthy they are. They know they can pile my bed with stuffies and still talk their dad into sleeping on the couch so they can sleep with their mama, and it makes their hearts leap with joy. So, instead of grumbling about how little room I have or how uncomfortable it might be to sleep on all the things that bring them comfort, I am thankful for these moments. These are the ones that count. They may not remember, but my mama heart sure will. And, someday, I’ll get to share these stories of silliness and love with them, to remind them of the joy they’ve always brought to me, and someday help them pass this love along to their own tiny humans.

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