If you’ve read any somewhat recent blogs, it may or may not be somewhat apparent that depression is very much kicking my ass currently.
Talking to other people is hard. Managing my kids is hard. Small tasks are hard. The thought of doing anything is exhausting.
I’m pushing myself everyday to still get out of bed, to raise these babies, and do everything I can to remain gentle and kind.
Not only to my children, but myself, too.
Depression isn’t easy and I’m managing the best I can.
It will get better, today is just hard.
There doesn’t seem to be anything that helps give me a boost, but I’ll get there.
I even tried church today, and all I could do was cry and disassociate. The very first hymn today was one of grandma Annie’s (Brett) favorite hymns and it just felt like too much. Everything right now, is just too much.
Yes, you can go to church and still walk out not feeling fixed and cured, but maybe just a little more peace in your soul.
The peace of accepting you’re doing what you can with the resources you have to try and fight your way to the other side of this dark, looming rain cloud that depression is. The all consuming feeling of helplessness and intense sadness.
Yes, I can recognize what’s happening, but I cannot control it. I can’t make it stop, but I can make it a point to try and nurture myself just a little more, to give myself a break when I need it and accept that I might need some help with everyday chores and the kids.
Tomorrow is potentially the start of something big for us, and I’m not ready to share just yet. I’d rather keep it under wraps until we know anything or nothing for sure, but I’m near positive this is what is not helping me get back on my feet. Sooner or later our prayers are answered, we just never know in what form it will be.
Tomorrow is a new day, and somehow, someway, we have to find a way to treat it as such. To not view it as just one more sh•t day where life crumbles just a little bit more and we watch our lives fall into a pit of more and more uncontrollable chaos.
Life isn’t easy, and it was never meant to be. Everyday this last week or so that I make the choice to put my cement heavy feet onto the floor and make my way out of bed is a damn win, and I won’t let anyone tell me it’s not.
Cheers to a new week, a new day, a new chance to start fresh.
Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Matthew 6:34