This morning - I was proactive. I set an alarm for seven (don’t judge me, we don’t sleep much, remember?), and I actually snuck out of bed before the kids woke! Luci and Alvi were in bed with me, and Jax and Brett were on the couch. The quiet and peace while I put my face on, made coffee, and read my morning devotion and a couple chapters of my book was exactly what I needed. The author talked a lot about lectio divina, and with some help from Google I was able to figure out what the heck that even is. Boy, am I intrigued, and I’d love to give it a try! I don’t feel comfortable sharing what it is, mainly because it is absolutely brand new to me. But, if you want, give it a search and see what you think!
Of course, my quiet didn’t last long. Before I knew it Jax was in my lap and both girls were waking up. So, it was off to getting dressed and eating breakfast. Jax was kind enough to narrate while I scooped the cat litter with my lips pursed and holding my breath. My kids are just the sweetest. Most days.
Sleep didn’t come easy last night. My anxiety was consuming me and making breathing, let alone sleep, impossible. I prayed and prayed and prayed, and nothing helped. Then it dawned on me I had missed my script for two days in a row, and I didn’t need anything specific to have my anxiety going haywire. Luckily, it was pretty fast acting after I took one and sleep came a little easier.
My mind is so overwhelmed right now, with so many things. Family members who need help, in more ways than one, friends who are struggling, my constant battle to better myself, the strong desire for just twenty minutes to myself. It is all just so much, and I’m tired of feeling as if I’m drowning. Mainly, because it’s other people’s struggles that are drowning me, not even my own.
Something that’s started weighing heavily on me since sometime yesterday, is an idea I hadn’t really thought of before. Bear with me here, there’s going to be a little backstory. I’m currently working hard to be more purposeful in my prayer, my time and talking with God, making sure I actually pray for my people, and not just think about doing it, and growing my relationship with God. The thing is though, we shouldn’t just pray for the people we like, love, feel an attachment to. We should pray for everyone. Everyone. Even the people who hurt you, put you down, are attempting to fill your life with bad things and sew bad seeds in you.
God says to love everyone, not just the people who are nice to you, and that is tough. Does He really mean the people who are hurting others, people who don’t have faith, those who see nothing wrong with their sinning? Yes, even them. I’m working on it, I really am. But, most importantly, I’m honest with God about it. He knows how I feel about certain people, especially ones I’m doing my best to keep at arms length, but I still need to pray for them. They still need prayers, help, understanding, open hearts, listening ears. We all struggle at one point or another, and where would we be if everyone had given up on us and walked away, without even a prayer to spare?
It’s hardly eleven in the morning and my day has already been laced with wonderful Godwink’s, and I know God is doing His best to help soothe the anxious beast inside of my that’s sitting in my throat, ready to pounce. I will do everything in my power, with God’s help, to spend today focusing on my children, the good in my life, the things I do, and even the things I don’t have.
There is more, so much more. But, it’s time for a break and a nice step back.